How to Tell if a Guy is Circumcised From Across a Bar

This is hilarious. Of course it isn’t very accurate – it assumes all circumcised guys must be Jewish. In Australia and America at least that is not true. And if only it were this easy I’d be out at bars every night!

How to Tell if a Guy is Circumcised From Across a Bar

Step 1

Notice how he’s dressed. Quality shirt, jacket, slacks and shoes mean he’s doing well for himself. A circumcised guy doesn’t have to be a lawyer, doctor or businessmen unless he has a Jewish mother.

Step 2

Pay attention to how picky he is at the bar. A man who looks through the pretzel bowl and frowns or constantly checks the status of the ice in his drink has a higher likelihood of being circumcised.

Step 3

See if he’s polite when he addresses the bartender. His mother didn’t make all those sacrifices for his education so he would embarrass her in public.

Step 4

Watch how guilty he looks when he bumps his elbow into the guy next to him. Any mother who fails to instill a perpetual sense of guilt in her children is ostracized by the Jewish community.

Step 5

Make eye contact with him often. Jewish guys aren’t commonly shy.

Step 6

Note the expression on his face when he gazes at you. A look of guilty pleasure means he assumes you’re not Jewish. Rebellion is essential to Jewish family dynamics.

Step 7

Judge if he’s neurotic. While most neuroses are subtle, a circumcised guy sitting at a bar will make his depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, phobias and/or personality disorder obvious.

* Never wait for a circumcised guy to approach you at a bar. Once you’ve verified he’s missing what he’s supposed to be missing, nab him.



  1. Considering the amount of nasty cancer disease causing bugs (HPV is just one!), that love to dwell in the cheesy detritus under the human foreskin, I’m personally surprised any women would even touch an uncirced penis….let alone allow penetration.

    And I do wish we could lay to rest that old excuse about sensitivity. The research I’ve seen shows absolutely no perceivable difference, ……and no man circ’ed as a baby even remembers the operation, let alone any pain. Yes, I DO speak from experience! The hysteria over circumcision (usually led by women funnily enough) is, in my opinion, just ridiculous, considering vaginal cancer is caused by HPV, …and where does it live?
    Love the piece BTW!
    I may use your phrase!

    • There is no reason to suppose that HPV has any preference for the gender of the cheesy detritus that it loves to dwell in, and if surgery on males is appropriate to prevent this, then we ought to be looking equally at equivalent surgery on females.

      Barry P, easily two-thirds of the women in the world touch intact penises and allow penetration – otherwise the world’s population would by now be confined to the Muslim world, the US, the Philippines, South Korea, tribal Africa, Israel, outback Australia and eastern Polynesia. China, Japan and India would be deserted….

      The research that claims to show no difference in sensitivity all has a basic fault – it ignores the foreskin itself.

      Intactivists always seem to have the “wrong” demographics. If we’re not gay men (and therefore obsessed), we’re women (and therefore unqualified). Actually, the movement has its full share of straight men, some resentful of being circumcised, some grateful to be intact and wanting to share the blessing.

      The bottom line is human rights: his body, his choice.

  2. It also assumes you want to know because that’s what you want. “Missing what he’s supposed to be missing” indeed! Supposed by whom?

    A Jewish sage said that once a woman has tried an intact guy, she’ll never let him go, and given the gentle rolling action, the lack of fierce thrusting (because he’s got all his nerves and can feel better what’s going on), I’d say he had something.

    • Darl, I think you’re missing the hilarity of the piece. Anyway, I will say I’d personally love it if all guys were “missing what they’re supposed to be missing.” As I said, I’d be out every night! Woo hoo!

      • Darl, to the billiions of men who have all we were born with (7/10 of the men in the world), there is no hilarity in the piece. Have you watched a video of a circumcision? That is what you are wishing on “all guys”. Woo hoo to you too.

      • Yeah darl, I have. And yeah my opinion is still the same. Guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s