Go flat you bastard! (Nokia E63)

Don't push me baby, I don't go flat for just anyone!

Don't push me baby, I don't go flat for just anyone!


Let me give you some background. My last phone was the disastrously thought out and crappily executed LG U310. Prior to that I had an LG U300 which was almost as good as sex. It broke in half one day (I cried). I rushed to the 3 Shop and foolishly purchased the U310 the same day – at $10 a month for two years. Arghhh!

It had a beautifully clear main screen…and the rest of it was a piece of shit in four prongs (to steal a line from Joan Rivers). And after a few months the battery started dropping dead after only light use. I had to recharge it every night. 1 bar of battery power meant ‘you have 1 more short call and I will cut that off and go flat right in the middle of your conversation.’ How I lived with that piece of crapware for 1 1/2 years I’ll never know.

Anyway, I’m used to mobile phone batteries going flat. Sometimes after just 1 long call. I heard that the Nokia E63 battery was good but I guess I didn’t really believe it. I also know that you are supposed to fully drain your battery for the first 3 times you use it. Flat, recharge and so on for 3 times. It leads to a longer and happier life for the battery.

So after a couple of days use, I tried to MAKE my e63 battery go flat on Monday night. The bloody thing would not. I spent the whole night wanting to scream because it just wouldn’t go flat.

I connected to the internet several times.
I played Pacman several times
I used the torch frequently – left it on for half an hour at one time
I took lots of photos (a feature I will never use in normal use)
I took a lot of video footage of my lounge room while I sat there in my PJs (again, not something I’d ever use the phone for normally)
I played back the video footage.
I stopped and started and stopped and started.

And still the f****** battery would not go flat. I was pulling my hair out. I was determined to make it go flat and then recharge it overnight – I use it as an alarm clock too so I needed it to be ready to wake me from my beauty sleep.

I can’t tell you how much video footage I took of my messy lounge room. And even my bathroom when I went in to point percy at the porcelain. I can’t tell you how long that bloody torch feature stayed on.

Finally, at about 11pm, after using the video camera feature one more time, it said ‘low battery.’ Now with my LG U310, the first ‘low battery’ warning actually meant ‘no battery left, sucked in!’ And then it would simply turn off mid-conversation. But not with the ruby red e63. ‘Low Battery’ meant what it said – there was still some juice left for more video footage.

Anyway, I had to continue my ‘torch sessions’ and my ‘video killed the radio star’ sessions to keep pushing the e63 to go flat. The LG U310 liked to laugh at me and taunt me with it’s lack of battery life. The Nokia E63 simply stares at me and says ‘don’t push me buddy, I won’t go flat until I’m bloody well good and ready.’

So I now have to get used to the fact that 5 bars means fully charged, 3 bars means half still to go and 1 bar means there’s still a bit of power left. It’s a re-education process.

I guess my marriage to the Nokia E63 will be full of learning experiences. Tonight we’re going to the pub for drinks. I’ll be having a beer but I don’t know what the E63 drinks – probably not much.

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